Not even going to lie.

First, this isn't going to be a poem; just casually expressing my innermost feelings the only way I know how: writing. Second, don't fall in love - I mean yes, but I mean no. This transition of life of living on my own has been such an uphill battle, that I am fatigued of. Of course, I love being independent and living life the way I want because who is going to stop me... but there's more to it than that. I have never felt so lonely than now. I know you probably think I am just being problematic about everything, but it's the truth. I am so deeply, passionately, and emotionally in love with my boyfriend and I have not physically seen him in over two months - the longest we have gone is two weeks because of a vacation. I am on my own now, I have many methods of seeing him; there's just something tugging at my flesh about disobeying my parents about going to visit him. (It's currently 2:15 a.m. but it feels like it just hit 10:00 p.m. - college has my whole life on its axis.) Crying is getting old, and I'm tired of people asking me if I'm under the influence of some sort of narcotic when I go to class the next day. No one truly understands my emptiness, so I don't share it often. Holding in feelings is also a painful act. I just want to run away to an island that is barren of cellular connection, just me and him. I don't want to worry about anything or anyone. My mind has me running in circles. This fake smiling is giving me wrinkles, and I have run out of fake lies to tell to people to cover me being "okay". I love the feeling of knowing that there is a future, I just cannot bare journeying through the present to get there. Life is a race, but I am dehydrated and fatigued. Also, back to the narcotics thing: the beauty is only temporary. Nothing can fill the joy and longing in your heart like another human-being that was made for you. I have run out of pictures to go through. I know every detail of every photograph by heart now. The sound of the keyboard's clicking is so distracting from the realities and burdens of life. I'm just going to keep going until the rhythm does nothing but bore me. My eyes are so cloudy, my heart is so heavy. Not even going to lie, this is no fun at all. I do not understand how people can lay with body to body, when there is so much more to love than multiple climaxes belonging to those of strangers. My heart pains for this reason as well. But life happens, and apparently it just goes on.