I am free.

Stop. I do not want you to say anything. 

Yes, I know this is hard for the both of us, but I am exhausted. 
Exhausted, tired of dragging myself through my own desert of despair to be quenched in your lagoon of comfort and insecurity.

I should not be bending over backwards for you to stand upright. 

Fair? No, not the place; a carnival. That is just what I want it to be. 

Stop running in my direction just for me to dodge you. 

It hurts so bad, but it is going to feel so good to be dependent of my own happiness from on.

 My own happiness, from now on. 

I like that, oh yes but you definitely did like her more. 

Crazy, how “I lust you” and “I love you” sound so sweet and similar. 

The words that you manipulated into my ears so I could not only sleep sound at night, but also be so deaf to my own thoughts screaming for an exit to warn me of your fate. 

You made deception look like protection, I thought I was oh-so safe. 

I was just really stuck… in your safe, your dungeon of insecurities. 

But someone slipped me a key, it was me. 

I saw myself in the finest mirror, and let the door swing open. 

I am free. 

Not even going to lie.

First, this isn't going to be a poem; just casually expressing my innermost feelings the only way I know how: writing. Second, don't fall in love - I mean yes, but I mean no. This transition of life of living on my own has been such an uphill battle, that I am fatigued of. Of course, I love being independent and living life the way I want because who is going to stop me... but there's more to it than that. I have never felt so lonely than now. I know you probably think I am just being problematic about everything, but it's the truth. I am so deeply, passionately, and emotionally in love with my boyfriend and I have not physically seen him in over two months - the longest we have gone is two weeks because of a vacation. I am on my own now, I have many methods of seeing him; there's just something tugging at my flesh about disobeying my parents about going to visit him. (It's currently 2:15 a.m. but it feels like it just hit 10:00 p.m. - college has my whole life on its axis.) Crying is getting old, and I'm tired of people asking me if I'm under the influence of some sort of narcotic when I go to class the next day. No one truly understands my emptiness, so I don't share it often. Holding in feelings is also a painful act. I just want to run away to an island that is barren of cellular connection, just me and him. I don't want to worry about anything or anyone. My mind has me running in circles. This fake smiling is giving me wrinkles, and I have run out of fake lies to tell to people to cover me being "okay". I love the feeling of knowing that there is a future, I just cannot bare journeying through the present to get there. Life is a race, but I am dehydrated and fatigued. Also, back to the narcotics thing: the beauty is only temporary. Nothing can fill the joy and longing in your heart like another human-being that was made for you. I have run out of pictures to go through. I know every detail of every photograph by heart now. The sound of the keyboard's clicking is so distracting from the realities and burdens of life. I'm just going to keep going until the rhythm does nothing but bore me. My eyes are so cloudy, my heart is so heavy. Not even going to lie, this is no fun at all. I do not understand how people can lay with body to body, when there is so much more to love than multiple climaxes belonging to those of strangers. My heart pains for this reason as well. But life happens, and apparently it just goes on.

Loneliest

I feel so lonely. Ever so lonely. I feel like no one is going to help through this hurt. It's like skydiving without the protection and the assurance of the parachute. I am lost, and wandering through my thoughts. No one sees my crying out, no hears my faint plead. I want to be removed from this state. Smiles aren't happiness, and laughs aren't comfort. All I see is the time ticking around the clock. Counting down seconds of the day meant for more than misery. I am not okay, and I am not safe.

She Cried The Hardest In The Shower

Oh how she simply forgot the longing of a tender hand across her. 

So elegantly her mind traveled away from a pleasant thought. 

Compassion was absent from her vocabulary. 

Like a weed yearning for new ground, hate grew throughout her youthful heart. 

She did the things she held a passion for. 

Not once did she remember the joy that those once brought her. 

Fatigued from the long life of sorrow,

desperate for the familiar comfort she had in herself. 

The drains, they drained out the cries for help.

Masked by the smiles of others, not one could comprehend her true emotion. 

She is not ill, but she takes medicine.

How often did she want to be wanted once again. 

She missed the best of times,

But she's better this way. 

Countdown

Countdown until the days are gone

When all things right are wrong

The pain becomes beautiful to me

Everything happened so easily

The rest of me is long away

My body is all that has remained

Because I want the memories to fade 

Worn heart now has its own shade

I see only black and gray

And There is not a lot that I could possibly say

Too broken to possibly mend

So I sit here patiently waiting for the end

The Broken Body

There are these things called lungs, but mine aren't working. 

There is this thing called a heart, but mine is broken. 

There is a thing called a brain, but mine is clouded. 

There are these things called emotions,

and that's why I'm drowning. 

There are these things called feet,

But I'm at standstill. 

There is this thing called a soul,

And that's why I'm ill. 

There's this person named Summer, 

And then there's this person named Will. 

Infidelity

Infidelity,

Why do you hurt me?

Infidelity,

Why have you deserted me?

Infidelity, 

You are the one haunting me. 

Infidelity,

You said you loved me. 

Infidelity,

Thankfully I have seen.